Teabagging Rationality

"Its hard to talk when you're teabagging." -Anderson Cooper

I'm back. Happy Tax Day.

I actually received requests to write again, for which I am thankful and humbled. But, I have been unable to write for good reason, beyond the fact that it is crunch time in school. I am simply befuddled by the counterintuitive approaches of some Americans regarding today's hated 'holiday.'

I am talking of course about 'The Great American Teabagging: Electric Boogaloo." Today Republicans around the country, outraged with the infant Obama administration decided it would be best to 'mimic' the Boston Tea Party that was famous for sparking dialogue and revolutionary feelings among colonists. To those great revolutionaries of old, we owe you Old Glory. To the fools of today, we may owe the undoing of over three centuries of work toward a freer world.

Before I continue, let me clarify my political views. I am a registered member of the Democratic party who both worked and voted for Barack Obama. I consider my political views slightly left of center. I believe in personal responsibility for actions, and think the government should always strive to the highest level of civil liberty possible, without endangering other Americans. I believe religion serves very little purpose in a modern, civilized government, yet consider religion and spirituality central to the American psyche. 

I think American business should be encouraged to thrive. At the same time, I believe American citizens should be protected by their government, especially against unbearable economic hardship. As I consider the government's sole role to protect and support its citizens, I believe government intervention in the economy (Keynesianism/Third Way) is often critical to ensure equity. 

I honor true conservatives who value classical economic thought. Their beliefs are grounded in scholarly evidence. And while I may value the proof to the contrary, I consider their intent to be valuable opposition.

I am a democrat, small d. I value the individual and believe in their power to influence government, and to benefit from it. I honor republicans, small r, who see virtue in local government and local accountability.

However, Republicans, with a big R, have decided that dumping presorted, individual, mixed tea, tea bags across the country would be an act of absolute brilliance. Now, this post will probably be uncommonly direct for a typical 'rant.' But, the utter incompetence of this protest warrants no other discourse.

Put simply, if you are a Conservative, I truly pity you. The party that has claimed to stand for your beliefs has been hijacked by dramatically stupid pols. They have taken your honorable goals and tarnished all credibility by focusing on ridiculous theatrics and TV events. Its unfair to you, its unfair to America. 

Let me address my teabagging friends. Before I use history and facts (understandably difficult subjects for you) to show why this protest is utterly asinine, lets analyze why the method of your protest is a waste. 

Teabagging. Lets reference the vulgar Urban Dictionary and let it do the talking. 

Teabagging: To have a man insert his scrotum into another person's mouth in the fashion of a teabag into a mug with an up/down (in/out) motion.

Oh brilliant. Simply brilliant, Republican party. You have opened up your protest to the most hilarious set of puns I have seen on television in a while, from both right and left. (Please watch this video and see how simply brilliant David Shuster was in describing the teabagging. Dick Armey? Perfect)

But once we move beyond the fact that the act of the day was named after a popular frat prank when your buddy is drunk on the floor, the day still makes zero sense. 

The actual Tea Party, if you payed attention in third grade, consisted of dumping loose tea into the Boston Harbor by colonists dressed as American Indians fed up with tea taxes (or taxes in general). Ok, you say, beyond the loose tea part and the costumes, it works for 2009, right?

Not at all. 

They were protesting having absolutely no say over their taxes, their rights, their government in general. God did not create America as a representative and free democracy. For years we fought (see Revolutionary War) to remove the oppressive yoke of the Crown. Over 300 years later we enjoy open and free elections. After multiple suffrage movements, and too many election dramas to count, we live in a system we can truly be proud of. And, I think those colonists in 1773 would be quite proud as well.

So why do today's "revolutionaries" rage? Taxes! That were enacted by a representative government!!!!!!!

Against Barack Obama!!!! (Is he even an American citizen? I am not sure... Socialist!!!) 

Down with Socialism!!! 

So much ridiculousness it makes your brain bleed. 

First, Barack Obama won 52.9% of the popular vote (7.2% more than rival John McCain). That is popular vote. Direct choice by American citizens. 

Barack Obama also won a whopping 365 electoral votes, flipping red states like Indiana, Nevada, Florida, Virginia, and North Carolina, to name a few. 

Hardly an untouchable hegemonic king. In fact, Mr. Obama still has a 63% approval rating and only 28% disapproval (smaller than his opponents popular vote), according to Gallup. 

BUT! The truly brilliant part of today's backwards protest is the simple fact that Mr. Obama has been in office for scant 4 months. Yes, he has put forward a budget that responsible conservatives might take some issue with. YET! Every tax you pay today was enacted under George W. Bush. Every penny you pay was a Bush tax. Every last one.

Liberals can be ridiculous as well. We said some pretty bizarre things about Bush while in office, I admit. But for crying out loud, we gave the fool a chance. We didn't dare rage on the streets in such a perversion of a great American historical event like this. We let the fool have a few more months, even over a year, before we recognized he was a miserable failure. Likewise, I ask that you offer Obama a little more time. He just fought pirates (PIRATES!!!) and won. He's tackling one of the country's greatest economic tragedies ever. And he's been there for less than three months. Patience people. Patience.

If Mr. Obama is judged by history to be as great of a failure as Mr. Bush, then I truly apologize. Until that time, lets save our millions of Liptons and drink deeply. And please, stop ruining American history, or even the very concept of protests. And to the conservatives who weep inside when they see fools like Rick Perry, governor of the cradle of superstar governors, call for secession from the union while misguided Republicans dump Tetley's in Texas, I weep with you. 

To the media (Fox News) and party heads (Gingrich, Stanford, Palin, Perry) who took this to the point of utter ridiculousness, congratulations: today you proved that the Republican Party is truly irrelevant, childish, and dead. 

Teabag that.

I Called It

Everyone prepare to be amazed at my analytical skills. I called Michigan State for not only a Final Four appearance, but to play in tonight's big game. I know, you're impressed (unless, of course, you picked MSU as well.) Thats right. I placed $10 of my money on the line with the assumption that Michigan State would finish #2.

What I'm not telling you is that I had Pitt winning it all, and Purdue beating UConn for the Final Four. Let bygones be bygones, and we shall continue. 

So, if MSU can pull an upset tonight I have a chance at winning one of my brackets. This comes despite some of the worst calls ever in Bracketology (reference Purdue Final Four, see above.) Its because, as in most things, you only have to be mostly right.

Life is about conjecture. All bets would have said Louisville should have won the entire tournament, let alone make it to the Final Four. All bets also were on a market pulling out a post 9/11 slump and putting every American into a home just a few years ago. 

People make a living making bold assertions (see also B.S.) and selling it to others. A lasting image of pure failure is the bold Mission Accomplished call Bush toted before we experienced the vast majority of American casualties in Iraq. Fail.

Today's tidbit of over-hyped conjecture comes from Jim "Stewart-lovin' " Cramer who has proudly declared "the Depression OVER!!!!!!"

We did it! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!

If only. You see, we topple a statue of Saddam, or see the DOW pop its head just over 8000 and we're wont to break out the champaign. Is it because we like quick results? Maybe.

I think more realistically its because we like to put problems behind us. Take a partial victory and say its done. Kill the chicken after its laid a single egg. The point is, there is still a lot left to be done. Optimism is welcome, however. People still need to buy stuff (see Econ 002-004). 

Am I an Economic analyst? No. In fact I am probably dropping Econ 004 on Friday (yes. I know. Its easy. Yes, I know, there's plenty of extra credit. No, I don't care). But, at this point I may be as, if not more, qualified to make conjecture about the future of our Economy as someone like Cramer (Buy AIG. Trust me). We simply still do not know until we know. 

So before you claim the Phils to be the NL East Champs on day 2, just sit back and watch. Because, sometimes when you declare victory, you have yet to see the majority of your losses. Cramer, meet a man named George W. Bush. 

And until then, Go Spartans! 

Pogonophobia

Today's word of the day is Pogonophobia: fear of beards.

Perhaps the coolest fear possible. Why? Because if you are a sufferer there's help in an Obama change inspired website. 

That's right. If you have uncontrollable dread when this guy 

goes walking by, you are not alone. (Perhaps Mel Gibson is an awful example for pogonophobia, as I'm sure Melophobia or Zealotophobia is a far more dangerous and widespread affliction.)

Funny thing is, people are afraid. Whether its things we think are rational to fear (snakes, spiders, death, Barry Manilow) or the very irrational (the dark, pickles, beards) fear is a constant aspect of our lives. 

In many ways my generation has been defined by it. The spoof, although rather weak, that I was somehow now a Republican shocked many people my age. Many of the people I know are Democrats, or at least opposed to the GOP. Why? Because we grew up with eight of our formative years under George W. Bush. Fear.

As a 12 year-old I saw towers crumple as I took a religion test. The images on the morning paper September 12 didn't end there, but persisted to haunt every year since. I am part of a generation of a changing world. When older people say that "in their day" kids weren't like this, its because the adults weren't like this either. And if they were, they never had to live with such exposure.

I think regardless of what artificial party lines we draw for ourselves, we all have been built with the fear of that day. And it took our country time to recover. But, to the credit of the absolute failure of the terrorists, the fear only made us stronger. We came together to share our grief and fear. It made us sensitive. Sensitive to the world around us, to things that are different. 

And that is why I am now saddened to see this. 

Glenn Beck has decided to capitalize on that day, and our fears, with his new 9/12 Project. He is part of the very reason I could not consider myself a Republican. His fear tactics and attempts to strum up those very emotions again for political profit are disgusting. He is abhorrent. These tactics only give the terrorists of nearly eight years ago that much more ammo. And so the very clowns who hide out in Pakistani caves get to sit back and laugh, as all their work is done by greedy men like Beck who let their own egos do the work.

Mr. Beck, my generation lived through this and was affected greatly, as I am sure you were as well. However, we are sick of this type of politics (Reference:2008 Election). If you'd like any political capital, perhaps watch the news yourself. You'll find our generation cares about real issues.

And so, whether beards or pickles, fear is something we all share. It brings us together and allows us to bond in ways otherwise impossible. Its when people force these fears to create artificial bonds or advantages that they become terrorists. So, perhaps allow me this moment to terrorize you with Glenn Beck, and perhaps we shall bond.

Oh. And speaking of pickles:

Change

This was an April Fools Joke.

Today's word of the day is Change: as in what I can believe in.

I am happy to finally get this off my chest, my friends. I am changing.

Last year I registered with glee as a Democrat to vote for B. Hussein Obama. I was caught up in the excitement. It was a fever pitch time in which the media sold me and many others, telling us that we could finally be a part.

And so I succumbed. I entered the party aloof but excited. It wasn't long until I was officially part of the campaign, recruiting others to join our movement. 

But with every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, or some other sciencey mumbo-jumbo. What I mean to say is, he's in the office now. 

And what? 

Stocks continue to fall, Sarkozy won't even sit the guy at G20, London is rioting in a way that would only make The Clash proud, and all I got was this Obama T-shirt.

Well, enough is enough. I'm sick of this hidden socialism, this insipid anti-Wealth and anti-Prosperity movement of the great O. I'm changing. A change that I can believe in.

That is why today, April 1, I officially switched my registration to Republican. Yes, Tim is a Republican. It will take time and effort, but one day we will finally be able to reverse this curse, lift this great stain.

For now, I apologize, my friends. This is what seems best to me, my friends.